Friday, December 7, 2012

Losing and Regaining Control

I had a really hard time when I stepped off the scale this morning. I thought I had been doing really well this week. I was excited about weighing in. Remember? I stepped on the scale and it went the WRONG DIRECTION! That's right. It went up. More then a pound. I refuse to yo-yo again. I will NOT be stuck in a five pound cycle again.

Long story short, after a terrible day of eating all the wrong stuff to the point of making myself feel sick because I didn't understand what I was doing wrong... I realized one thing. I don't currently believe I can break 160 again. I didn't believe it the first time and when I did, I cried.

That's the thing though. I did it once before. Actually, I've done it twice! It's all about controlling the body and mind. I need to stop thinking negatively  It's really weird. I am usually a really positive person. I am always telling the hubs, "positive outcomes only" or "think positively  or "stop being so negative " (that's when he's been really beating himself up about something, he does that a lot.) And when it comes to things other then me, I am positive. I despise being negative  It takes to much energy. So then why am I not positive when it comes to myself? That's dumb. I miss the endorphins from running. I felt so much better running. I so much happier. I have to find something else that replaces that until I can run again. Working out in general does that, if I can do it regularly, and I can. I just have to control my body, my mind, myself, and get the job done! I completed a Half Marathon for crying out loud! I forced myself to run every stinking training run and the end of the Marathon, even though I was in so much pain.

Someone once said, "Sometimes I wonder if this life was meant so we could learn to control our desires."

I believe this life is a test, that we are sent here to learn, to better ourselves. I didn't give that statement much thought when that person said it, but as I was leaning over the island in my kitchen today about ready to burst into tears because I was so frustrated and LW had been screaming at the top of his lungs for more then three hours (no. joke. no dirty diaper. no wet diaper. not hungry. had woken from a nap two hours before starting to scream. wouldn't go to sleep when laid down... sigh.) I had a sudden realization. More... an sudden surge of anger. Much like Spunky, I do not like ANYTHING controlling me. Whether that be a person, or a habit, or an addiction. It drives me bonkers.

If part of this life is truly about controlling our desires then I will beat the snot out of my desires (that aren't good or are excessive) and show that I AM IN CONTROL OF THIS BODY! I yelled that to myself during my runs when I thought I couldn't do anymore. And guess what? It's true and I am!

I'm so sick of falling prey to sugary desires. It's always sugar. Bread I've got under control now. Thank goodness. I still want it. I desire it and I almost always reach for more, but I always put that extra back.

I know I have had realizations in the past. I know I've said it was going to be "it" before. And me saying something is different this time may not mean anything because of that, but it truly is. Something is different. I've been upset and frustrated before. But I am furious and full of anger and determination now. NO MORE!

I set goals today. I have 16 weeks. 16 weeks to lose 32 lbs. I know that's a lot, especially with Christmas and New Years. Valentines will be in there too. I know I can do it. I have the weight to lose. And in the beginning, sticking to my plan, the weight will fall off. It will slow down towards the end of 16 weeks, I know that, but it will be lower. My goal is to be 130-135 by March 29th.

I am "going off sugar" again. I did it before with Spunky before Summer hit.

I lost weight.


So, I'm doing it again. The reason for the " " is because my off sugar, is off sugar accept for a SLIVER of pie on Christmas Eve/Christmas day, 2 Candies OR cookies OR sugary treats on New Years Eve/New Years Day, and 2 treats on Valentines. Plus a SMALL treat on a SPECIAL date night. Like out to frozen yogurt, which we don't do very often.

What happened to long story short?

Jeez, I type a lot.

And forget the whole slowly building up to workout out everyday. I AM IN CONTROL OF THIS BODY! I say workout everyday, so I will workout EVERYDAY!

I like this feeling of control! ;)

I'm drunk with power!!!

Ahem, sorry.

My attitude drastically changed while writing this.

Oh! I will report my measurements though.

Before Body Measurements (From 175 lbs)
Chest: 41 in.
Rib-Cage: 36
Waist 36.5
Lower Belly: 38 in.
Hips/Butt: 45 in.

Full Body Measurements ( 163.8 lbs.)
Bust: 39.5 in. (1.5 in. gone)
Chest: 32 in. (4 in. gone! Wow!)
Waist: 31.5 (5.5 in. gone! Wow!)
Lower Belly (mom belly/pooch/pouch/the part that drives me crazy): 37.5 in. (.5 in. I'll take it!)
Hips/Butt: 44 in. (1 in. gone)
L Thigh: 24.5 in.
R Thigh: 25.5 in.
L Calf: 16.25 in.
R Calf: 16 in.
L Bicep: 12.5 in.
R Bicep: 12.5 in (took me forever to get them the same! That made me happy when I saw that.)
L Forearm: 10.25
R Forearm: 10.25

Until Next Time!

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