Saturday, August 18, 2012

Why Am I Doing This?

I write this in anticipation of my run tomorrow.

By the time this posts tomorrow morning...

I will be on the road.

Pounding away to the music on my phone

Hating the fact that I am a runner.

Yes, you read that correctly.

HATING it. Every single step after about half a mile.

I will curse the day I started running, then I'll try to distract myself, to keep the negative thoughts away.

I'll focus on the few cars that pass me at 6:00 am on a Saturday.

How the birds chirping at the morning light is really nice and pretty.

Then I'll feel something in my feet, or my bad ankle, or maybe my knees and I'll remember how much I hate running.

But you know what?

Running--is a mind game.

That's what I'm going to tell myself, every step of the way, because it is! I know I can run 4.75 miles! And my body WILL obey me!

I will focus on why I am running; for LW, to be an example, to prove those who called me fat wrong, to prove myself wrong--that I AM beautiful, healthy, fit, and thin! That I can have the dream body I want! To prove to myself that I can run 4.75 miles and more! I will cross that finish line on race day with a smile on my face!

I will remember all those hurtful comments said about me and use them to fuel my legs during my run. I will remember every single reason I started running, why I push through the pain of my legs wanting me to stop, but knowing that will pass. Why I'm pushing for a better me.

People always say once you get passed the 3rd and 4th mile, you start flowing. You get in a groove and you just go. I guess I'm finding that out right now. As this post, pins itself onto Spunky and my blog.

And you know what?

I love running.

I do.

I LOVE running.

But in that moment. When my feet are hitting the pavement.

I will hate it

Until I'm done.

Then I'll love it again.

 The feeling of accomplishment. Over whelming joy. I may even cry. Knowing that I pushed myself and I made it. Knowing that once I put my mind to it, NOTHING and NO ONE will ever stop me.

My Mom used to tell people all the time about my stubbornness. How when I set my mind about or on something, there was no stopping it. I will use that strength on my run. I will think of Spunky and my Mom, who will be running the half marathon with me, I will think of all of you, reading this blog. I will think of the Hubs, of LW, and how I am making a difference in their lives...

I am making a change in my life. :)


  1. Replies
    1. I didn't cry, but I was close. When I hit four miles I teared up until I remembered I still had almost a mile left. When I finished I was just so amazed that I had just run almost five miles. I was covered in sweat and I was so hungry and thirsty, I didn't take a water bottle with me... DUMB MOVE! I got home, hopped in the shower and just reveled in the feeling of completion. :) I'm sure I will cry after the 1/2 though. :)

  2. I have cried a lot at finishes! It's hard to describe the feeling - a million emotions flood you all at the same time. Relief that it is over - glad that you made it - happy to acomplish something so hard - extreme hunger - and exhaustion - and total joy in the achievement. Sweat dripping in your eyes - needing to cool down and stretch - yet relishing the achievement and wanting that moment to last. However - watch out - if there is real pain in your ankle or knee - be careful (call me to chat about it) - you don't want an injury that will only get worse as you add distance. Remember the "knife stabbing" pain in my knee when I reached 18 miles in training for my marathon? I got advice - backed off for a couple weeks and stayed on a dirt track for the rest of the training and made it across the finish line of my marathon. Others dropped the training and never made it to the start line. I have seen that a lot - but you will finish! We can adjust as needed, but you will finish! You are strong! I once read a quote something like this, "Who cares if you come in last? You just beat every runner who never made it to the start line - every couch potato who slept in while you struggled to get up early and train! You are a winner! You crossed the finish line! You made it! Hold your head high! You have done something that the majority of people never will finish - so cross that finish line strong!" That made me cry just typing that. I am slow. I will never medal - but I can go the distance and get a medal for finishing. AND I EARNED that medal with every step of training and disipline it took to get to the finish line! I am indeed a champion! Speed doesn't always matter! Remember the tortise and the hare? Well, I won a lot of things be completing that goal. AND my kids will not have to take care of me because I didn't respect myself and family enough to make healthy choices. If they end of taking care of me - it won't be because I didn't try. I want to give them the gift of health so I can enjoy them and they can enjoy me. And maybe - just maybe - that will motivate them to stay healthy too! What a blessing that would be - my ultimate goal and dream - healthy and happy children! :) I love them SO MUCH! So - go - run Spicy - and love every step! (I used to sing the Primary song, "I will go; I will do, the things the Lord commands. I know the Lord provides a way; He wants us to obey!" Because I was told during prayer three different times to train with Rob - in prayer each time on how to help him (at his mom's request) - and I hated every step at first. So I would sing that song, wondering how this was supposed to help him? But in hind sight, it gave him purpose with a broken back in a full body cast that he was still of value. It was a win-win situation now as I look back. It helped both of us, since I had been trying (unsuccessfully) for 15 years to lose weight! I just didn't have Heavenly Father's wisdom to see it at first. Thank goodness I obeyed and ran. I would say "I love running! This feels great!" I said it in rhythm with my steps - literally 100's of times I have said that to myself. And now I DO love to run! (Well, jog slow actually.) The mind is POWERFUL - so make sure what you tell it is what you want! Now - go - run for your dreams everyone. You can do whatever you want. You are a child of God and that gives you incredible power. Run! Enjoy! Smile! I love you both Spicy and Spunky - and all my kids! :) Mom :)

    1. You are an amazing woman Mom. :) I love you. You made me teary with that quote. Don't you ever doubt whether or not your an inspiration and good example, because you are. YOU motivate me everyday! I was talking about you a ton this morning actually to a friend of mine. :) I love you!