What Am I Doing?

Seriously, I have no idea. Let me start out by saying that Spicy looks amazing and SOOOO cute, right? Wow, mama! Keep up the great work. You inspire me.

Back to my post:
I tell myself all the time, I'm gonna start over and finish this time. Lose weight, so happy, celebrate, sabotage, gain weight, sad and mad, repeat! Story of my life! UG!

Seriously, I don't know how I could have a stronger reason to get healthy.

1. May be my only chance at being able to conceive and have a child (my one dream in life that I have wanted since I can remember; I always said that I wanted to be a mom when I grew up).

As if that weren't reason enough, here are more reasons:

2. I want to feel good! I want to walk up some stairs without being winded, I want to be strong and athletic, I want to be confident about how I look.

3. I DON'T want Diabetes (which runs in the family)

4. I want to live a long, healthy life with my hubby and siblings. A LONG life.

5. I want to actually beat this disease! Yes, I just called obesity a disease! That is what it feels like - fighting a battle that never gives up. I don't want it to control my life!

I have all of these amazing reasons that one would think would be enough to keep me doing what I'm supposed to do. Somehow, I always find myself thinking, I'll start again tomorrow (or Sunday, or next week).

My husband gets frustrated because he wants to support any decision I make and since I am so flip-floppy, back and forth, he never knows how to support. Should he remind me I'm trying to be healthy? Should he just go with the flow? He never says how frustrated he is but I can imagine it must be difficult. UG. He doesn't read this but let the record show that I am sorry.

I have to stop beating myself up about it, I know. So, instead of making all of the promises to myself and family just to have to say why I didn't, I'm just going to work on doing better. I have a secret plan in mind that I want to do. I want to do it without telling anybody and then when I accomplish it, I won't have frustrated anybody along the way.....then again maybe not. I got a diet plan (from somebody who knows somebody who is/has gone through fertility treatment at a fertility clinic in our area (one that I would love to go to but can't afford). This diet plan is the first thing they have MOST of their clients do right away.

I'm not going to give details here (right now). I want to do it, on my own, and then report midway through and at the end. I'll keep you posted and pray for me to have success.

By the way, I made it to the gym three times last week and twice this week. Small, but huge, accomplishments.